| Re: Alright brothers. I need advice |
Subject: Re: Alright brothers. I need advice by bogus on 2009/11/20 6:07:01 you know... I dated an older woman before meeting bastet44. Now, it wasn't a huge difference, ~5 years. I was 36, she was 41. However, bastet is 10 years younger. I find age to be a state of mind. Many people have issues with older women/younger men. Perhaps its perception, perhaps old school concepts of child making. I donno... The key is how she looks at life and how you look at life. I would say you are in a delicate mental state. Having had a marriage just collapse cannot make one feel good, so jumping into the next thing is not always a good idea. My rule of thumb, before starting a serious relationship after a breakup, is either half the relationships duration, or one year. Which ever is less. This is time needed to recover and soul search to determine why the relationship failed, what you did to cause it, or absolve yourself from blame. Either way, time is needed to heal and get ready to move on. So, back to the lady. Companionship is always a good thing, and it is flattering and ego building to have someone interested in you, but take it cautiously. I suggest caution not because of her current or past or even future, but for YOU. Your heart and mind will change as the divorce proceeds. This change could be slow, or it could be rapid. Either way, some hearts could be broken along the way. I would simply state it to her simply: I like you. But I am damaged goods and need headspace to sort shit out. If you don't want the world, great, lets party, but if you want more - a committment - this is not the right time or place. It's all about being honest. I was in a serious relationship back in the late 90s. at the time, I would have married her in a heartbeat (thank GOD I didn't!!!). However, we were together for about 18 months. After the breakup, I hit this rebound chick and it wasn't fair... sure the sex was good, but the emitional battle I was going through was not fair to her. When I broke up with her, I told her honestly that she wanted more than I could offer at this time. I am sorry, but I can't go foward; it's not fair to you and I am just not emotionally ready to commit to anyone. Period. I know she didn't beleive it, but that's her problem. The natural reaction is to reject that claptrap as just that, however, it was the truth. When one is emotionally challenged after a breakup, it's much like a metaphysical sucker punch to the gut. One does not getup from that quickly. All that matters is your mental health. You are young and hurting still. Don't get into something that will only make the hurt worse. Also, don't use this girl to get even with what your ex did. That's not fair to her. Finally, women are not the psycho bitches that many here seem to think they are. Women are complex beings with many concerns; concern of child bearing is more than we as men can comprehend. I hate calling women the weaker or fairer sex; those are old school mindsets and are simply going to leave men grasping at straws looking for someone that doens't exist. Anyone can be mecurial and irrational. It's just human nature. For a good relationship, treat her as an equal, she has a mind, she can solve problems, she can offer insights and other points of view... don't disregard it just because she is a woman. That's arrogance of the highest order. Don't get me wrong, there are whacked women out there... as much as their are whacked men. But don't lump all women as being nuts. Doing that, and any relationship is doomed from the start. |
