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bmwgsa | Attention all Employees..... | ||
Guru
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New Employment Rules
SICKDAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work. SURGERY Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. HOLIDAYS Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done. ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement. TOILET USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open. LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill. DRESS CODE It is advised that you must come to work smartly dressed but in keeping with your salary. If we see you wearing clothes suitable for outdoor labour, we will assume that you would rather work out there in the garden and earn the salary we pay to the of our gardener; and of course.............. If we see you wearing exclusive designer clothing we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a payrise. THANK YOU ALL Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice day The Management |
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Posted on: 2008/6/13 16:42
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�It�s all devastatingly true � except the bits that are lies� I am fervently hoping to qualify for the category of "ageless" as opposed to "maturity impaired". |
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CSS996 | Re: Attention all Employees..... | ||
Mega Guru
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Seems pretty reasonable...
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Posted on: 2008/6/13 16:44
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Currently "Between Vettes". |
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Trae1976 | Re: Attention all Employees..... | ||
2012 Memorial Day Car Show Winner!
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We work for the same company?
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Posted on: 2008/6/13 17:09
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red_johnny | Re: Attention all Employees..... | ||
On Sabbatical
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Thats awsome, especially the lunch rule!
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Posted on: 2008/6/13 17:27
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bmwgsa | Re: Attention all Employees..... | ||
Guru
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I gave up Nutrisystems because of the lunch rule
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Posted on: 2008/6/13 17:32
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�It�s all devastatingly true � except the bits that are lies� I am fervently hoping to qualify for the category of "ageless" as opposed to "maturity impaired". |
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runner140 | Re: Attention all Employees..... | ||
Master Guru
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There are some good ideas. I printed up the rules and they will be used in the new employee handbook.
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Posted on: 2008/6/13 18:40
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96, white and a ton of miles. Somewhat stock. |
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bogus | Re: Attention all Employees..... | ||
Grand Imperial Pooh-Bah
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"These rules were brought to you by the wonderful folks at NaziCorp, Inc. A company looking 1000 years into the future!"
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Posted on: 2008/6/14 19:33
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The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. - George Bernard Shaw Education is the best tool to overcome irrational fear. - me |
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