My boss sent me this - LMAO!
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... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a Colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)

Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.

I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. ‘You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.

I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Really Good Brad!!!!

I laughed out loud more than once. Bravo!!!

Both of my wife's parents had colon cancer and are doing fine now but that really raises the chances of my wife getting it.
She is due for another colonoscopy very soon!!

I should have her read this.

Gary

HEY BRAD HOW DID YOU LIKE THE RIDE HOME WHEN THE CAR STARTS MOVING AND ALL THAT AIR THEY PUMPED IN STARTS COMING OUT WHO WAS DRIVING AND HOW FAST DID THE WINDOWS COME DOWN
ITS A GAS AINT IT
ALA AND ALL NOT A BAD EXPERIANCE WAS IT
IVE HAD THREE NOW AND LOOK AT IT AS A GOOD CLEANING OUT BETTER THAN WHITE CASTLES

Hahaha! Dave Barry is one of the few writers who makes me laugh out loud.

You are a good writer. I had a few laughs having the procedure done last Tuesday. Felt good enough to work on the vette after I got home (change the serpentine belt).

I normally wouldn't click on a thread with the word "colonoscopy" in it, but Dave Barry is hilarious...lol.

Matthew

Funny.

I've read Dave Barry for over 20 years. Some of it has rubbed off. I met him once when he had to sign for something. I said Yup, you are you. Without skipping a beat he said.... And we are us. He's another Miami guy. Carl Hiassan is another witty writer. I like twisted. LOL. I guess nobody around here knows that.

Funny yes, but what he describes is very accurate. In retrospect, it's very funny.

Quote:

I haven't had the honor yet...I've got a few more years, thankfully.

Matthew

I had my first colonoscopy last week and his description is pretty accurate. Except my body is so immune to drugs that I felt all of the pain and didn't fall asleep. I'm clean!

One thing I really remember is this,

[yt][/yt]

Quote:

Had mine last year, thank goodness I don't have your problem. I remember them telling me, "You're going to feel your arm getting cold, and when you do start counting to 10." I felt the cold and never got to 'one'. Next thing I knew, I was awakening in the recovery room. The Doctor said "You have a beautiful colon." Then showed me pictures....personally, I never thought you could use 'beautiful' and 'colon' in the same sentence.

I GOT PICTURES OF MINE ALSO THE WIFE ASKED WHAT I GOING TO DO WITH THEM I BOUGHT A TOILET SEAT AND MOUNTED IT ON THE BASEMENT WALL WITH A SIGN ON IT SAYING HERES A PERFECT BUNG HOLE

I got my pictures too! Pretty A-hole! :booty: