So I get a letter out of nowhere today from my cousin in Florida, who has been serving time in the clink for armed robbery. And of course he's asking for money to help pay his attorney so he can file an appeal and have a chance at getting out before 2012.

Last year I saw him for the first time in 15 years at my other cousin's wedding. At that time he was heavy into drugs and stealing from family members and anyone else to support his habit. I hung out with him for a few hours and thought I might have even rubbed off on him a bit. I guess not though, as two weeks later is when he got himself arrested.

Personally, I don't like giving anybody money when it appears they are in contact with me for only that reason. If it's someone I'm on good terms with (or at least talking terms) and then something like that comes up, I'm game.

This isn't the first time it's happened from extended family.

Maybe I'm cold-hearted, but it seems that giving a person money or otherwise giving them an easy way out can hurt them more than it helps them. I guess I don't like helping people that aren't first willing to help themselves.

What's your policy?

It would be like feeding a stray cat. Once it knows where the food is...

I agree. And I don't really think blood is thicker than water, I can think of a thousand other people more worthy.

Same as yours, I look at it this way, People usually get into trouble looking for an easy way out. The plead for free unearned money for an appeal is just another attempt at an easy way out. Thats the way I feel family or not. This is just my opinion.

he sounds like trouble... pass.

When I was in serious financial difficulty, there were a handful of people who would throw me a bone. Those same people I would do anything for now. The others who sent me words of hope....... I hope you straighten out your problems too.

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I'd say you answered your own question. I have helped a relative out a couple of times, gave him a job, place to live and yes money, stupidest things I could have done.
Go with your gut CC, it's usually right

Jim

Not saying I would never help anyone in that situation. But based on Kevin's description, I don't think the money would really help this dude.

I would have to say no at this point - he could still be a heap of trouble.

I would say " I will write a check and send it to the attorney" It shows him that you are willing to help, hopefully something he will appreciate. Don't tell him how much you sent. If he gets his life straightened out, you might be the family member who cared and he may somehow repay you. Thats just me, hoping for the best for all.

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I try not get that close...

I was thinking I'd ask him to write a rough draft of his appeal and send it to me first...

Honestly it'd be a waste of $150 for him. I can't imagine what he'd say to the judge to win them over.

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Asking him to send a rough draft may be the way to go, because it seems like this may be weighing on you a bit.

I've been in your situation before, and I know how you feel. There have been times when I've given $ to family members/friends before they asked, just because I knew they were in trouble and were too ashamed to ask. There have been other situations where I had to say no to people and say you've got to start helping yourself before I can do anything else. Some did, and some didn't....
Of course, there have been times when I couldn't help even if I wanted, because we were barely scraping by and didn't have a pot to p--s in, if you know what I mean...
I think that's worse somehow, wanting to help but not having the means too..anyway...

I guess if it were me, I'd ask him to send the draft. Chances are, he won't send it. Then again, if he does, you could send any $$ directly to his lawyer, and even request that the donation be kept anonymous-- and will have done what you could to help...
Just my 2c's worth..
Good Luck Man..

As it stands , your cousin is in the Department of Corrections, a rehabilitation center. If a person has a problem with drugs or alcohol sometimes a stint in "college" is just what you need to straighten out. I'm a pretty hardliner when it comes to lying in the bed you make. Life choices has their consequences. Now when it comes to sending him some money for protection, that's a whole other ball game. A little money can make big things happen in corrections facilities.

The thing is, he is a year or less removed from stealing from his own family. Maybe he hit bottom and figured it out, and maybe he didn't. But that one thing would give me pause.

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That's exactly how I see it too...
Tough situation, all the way around..

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At least right now he has an address and not living under a bridge. Mmmmmmmm. Cheese sandwich and jello.

If it were me he would be SOL. I really dont care what he plans on doing, he needs to pay for what he did. After he served his time, then we could see where his life is going to head. I am all about helping family but they need to help themselves first.

To me cousin isn't that close. Only my siblings/children would get a pass on something like you describe. Besides, he's just looking for someone to use, anyone.

Be polite, tell him you'd like to, but you just can't, then don't look back.

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That says volumes.

It's crap. If this guy screwed up once, I'd say hand him the money, I believe in second chances. You hope he learned a lesson.

But it sounds to me like this cousin has a history of being an ungrateful asshole. In my opinion, folks who steal are not mean, just lazy. It's easier to take something that someone else (me and you) worked for than to get a f'ing job and earn your own. I'm ok with people who make mistakes, I'm extremely prejudiced against lazy people. Sounds like he tapped out the immediate family and they're sick of bailing him out, so now he's extending his circle to include you.

I like the proposal idea. My guess is that if he has to work for it he won't bother, and you're off the hook with a clean conscience.

Well, I don't think it's a hard choice at all. Your deadbeat cousin who you weren't close to and who committed an armed robbery wants money. Think about it. I have a couple of deadbeat family members whom I haven't seen in years, and if they called and asked for money I'd probably just hang up. Do you think sending him money is really gonna help him?

Matthew

Go with your gut. If you think it's the right thing to do, you're probably right. If it were me, I would have no problem saying take a hike. If he donated a kidney to you or your family, that's a different situation. In your heart/gut, you know what's right.

I would say no as well. I never met most of my cousins so to me they are strangers. I would do no more for them than I would for a stranger. But..... if you really want to consider it, which it seems like you do, then your own idea seems like a great one. Have him send the rough draft to give you an idea of what he is thinking about or to see if he is even going to use the money for that.

I've decided to just send him 5 cartons of cigarettes instead.

And soap on a rope!

Actually he did mention soap in his letter.

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Excellent Idea!!