Post a joke day ....




Salesman of the Month

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job..

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota .'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook.Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing'

Classic!

When girls don't put out!!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....
But at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Yea, that's the best! Nice one Tommy.

Damn, that second one is like my life story.

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....
But at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her!



I LOVE IT!!

This is what marriage is really all about . . . . ..

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered .............










(This is great), keep scrolling)














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"THE TEETH!"

"Michael, If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?" the teacher asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go pee," he said.

The teacher replied,"That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back," Paul replied.

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."

"And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

Little Johnny said, "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

Thanks for sharing

John was home alone after running some errands. John's young and attractive Sister In Law came right in the front door, approached John, and professed her secret love for him, and how regardless of her Sister's marriage to him she had to have him right then and there on the front hall floor. She was quite obviously hot and worked up and ready to go.

John, looked puzzled for a moment, backed away, and ran out the front door. John was startled to find his Wife, her parents, and two other close family friends. They were all clapping and congratulating him for passing the cheating test by turning away from the situation and not cheating on his Wife with her Sister.

Moral: Always leave your condoms in the car outside...not in the house.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"

"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Vetteblondie and the CURTAIN RODS


She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in
the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if
she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

LMAO!

What the hell. One more .....


What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... "

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills..

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot



You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize! you need to run to Home Depot
to get some thing to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:


In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean
clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.


In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'


In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.


In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.


In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

That's funny. I think if pro painters and roofers can walk around HD in work clothes, I can't look much worse so I just stop what I'm doing and go. Still like checking out the HD chicks. They lay on the "How are you doing?" and "May I help you with something?" pretty thick. I was greeted about 7 times and all I was buying was light bulbs. LOL.

There a Hooters across the street from our HD here in Columbia so if the scenery is sparse at the HD you can always cross the street for a little fun.

Funny thing about the 80's age. I'm in my late thirties and sometimes find myself walking aimlessly around Wal-mart and realize I meant to go down to Lowes instead which is in the same shopping complex. I hate to see what I do if I even make it into my 80's.

Play with your putter.

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Don't you mean your 3 wood?

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Only if you're lucky!

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I had to run over there on Saturday for an extension cord, and a guy damn near tackled me on my way in the door to ask if I wanted an estimate on a new furnace. I hate that - I will ask if I need help - maybe :-P

You guys have made my day today!!

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This has really started to piss me off, "You just hit my Jackass Button".
I'm starting to mess with them now, started counting. By the time I get to 5, I'm startin' to get really nasty. I have been telling them which number they are. 5+ equals a "Bite Me".

Funny thin is, if you do have a question, no one's around.

HD staff member:
Hi! Is there anything I can help you with?




Bill H :



.

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You're killing me......

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I'm not that nice.

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber..

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

BOB, wake up. You shit the bed!'

Mexican Words Of The Day


1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly!

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car
There's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wants 2 become a citizen,
But che didn't know how to read,
So I, shoulder.

4. * Texas *
When I'm not home,
My fren always Texas me,
Che wonders where I am!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza.
I got my piece
Then che got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store
But ju went to see sum guy,
July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars
But my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife
But che said chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left
But don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women.
I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair
So I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club
But no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women has a nice body,
Budweiser face so ugly?

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

Bear sez,"Hey rabbit, you ever have a problem with $hit sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit sez,"Nope."

So the bear wipes his a$$ with the rabbit.

A guy is sitting in the bar when they make last call.
He goes to get up to leave and falls flat on his face. Twice.
He figures he'll crawl outside and let the fresh air sober him up before he goes home.
Later a cop comes up and sez,"you gotta go or it's public intox..."
Getting up, he once again falls on his face, and quickly decides he'll crawl the one block home.
At his front door, he pulls himself up, unlocks the door and, of course falls in. Giving up, he crawls to the couch and goes to sleep.
The next day he awakens to his bitching bride as she sez,' Hey stupid!! The bar just called and you forgot your wheelchair again!!

....

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Border Patrol

One day there was three Mexicans trying to go to the U.S. One of the Mexicans told the other Mexicans: ”Chinga We gotta learn some English” So they decided to learn the colors.

So as a week passes by the 1st Mexican goes and says ”I’m going to US I’m a US citizen” So the officer says I want you to give me a sentence using three colors Orange,Red,Blue. So the Mexican tells him..” An orange is orange an apple is red and the sky is blue. So the officer says ok go ahead.

So the 2nd Mexican goes and says ”I’m going to US I’m a US citizen” So the officer says I want you to give me a sentence using three colors White,Black And Brown. So the Mexican says “You are white I am brown and he is black. So the officer says go ahead.

So the 3rd Mexican says “I’m going to US i’m a US citizen” So the officer says I want you to give me a sentence using three colors Green,Pink and Yellow. But as the Mexican says his sentence he gets nervous because he didn’t practice those colors. So the officer tells him "No sorry but you took too long I'm taking you back." But the Mexican says STOP STOP one more try. ”The phone goes green green I pink it up and say yellow".

Guy goes home from work and finds suitcases packed by the front door............

"honey, I'm home" he says.

Well, I'm leaving you " comes the answer from the kitchen.

"Darling, why are you leaving me? " he asks.

"Because the neighbours told me that you are a dirty pervert, thats why" !!

"Oh dear " says he, " such harsh words from an 8 year old ".

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT
MORNING.



I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND
SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY
BIRTHDAY."



I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.
SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT
DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE SAID, "GOOD
MORNING,BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST
SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID,
"YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY,
LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.
LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE
DINED

INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS
EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY.

ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A
BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF
YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE
RIGHT BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT

CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE...

FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS,
ALL

SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE...

ON THE COUCH...

NAKED.

Ahh! Sitting in his birthday suit.

Quote:

.....and your Honor, that's when the fight started.

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Isn't that how everyone sits on the couch?

Matthew

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Better than sittin' at the bus stop naked.

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A man went to a bar with a friend after work. After numerous cocktails, the room started to spin, and the man puked all over his brand-new sweater. He says, "My wife is gonna be soooooooo pissed, she just gave me this sweater! What am I gonna do?"

His buddy said, "No problem, just stick a $20 bill in your pocket, and tell her that someone got sick on you, but that they gave you the money to have your sweater cleaned."

"Brilliant!" he replied, so they had a few more drinks and headed home.

As soon as he walked in the door, his wife was waiting for him. "Where the hell have you been, and what happened to your new sweater?" she yelled.

He said, "Fred and I stopped for a drink, and some poor guy got sick and threw up on me, but he gave me this $20 bill to have my sweater cleaned!"

She replied, "But that's a $50 bill!"

He said, "Oh yeah, I forgot - he shit in my pants, too."

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Bet you have the couch stains to prove it.

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch.

It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch . .

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, the light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks a t the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an
image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within secnds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then
accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few
minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid
for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.



That congressman is probably in charge of the Haitian relief efforts...

> You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes
> someone and blows it all to hell!
>
>>
> An old Pilot with his American Airlines Pilot hat on sat down at the
> Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
>
> As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
>
> She turned to the man and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
>
>
>
> He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs,
> Aeronca's, Nieuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean
> conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I
> am a pilot, and you, what are you?
>
>
>
> She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
> As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I
> shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked
> women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
>
>
>
> The two sat sipping in silence.
>
>
>
> A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old
> pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
>
>
>
> He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

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BWAHAHAHA LMAO!

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Of course I do. Just check your underwear drawer and you'll see what I mean. Racing stripes aren't just for cars.

Corvette for a birthday prsent.



Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?

Son: Not much dad, just a radio with a Corvette wrapped around it.

A NOOB Corvette owner.



The work of a certain timid but thorough law clerk was valued for its precision, so soon he was making money to buy himself a nice Corvette.

Not long afterwards he had the misfortune to get lost in the worst part of town, and when he stopped at a red light a huge, mean looking mofo hauled him out of the driver’s seat.

Drawing a circle around him on the pavement, the hoodlum told him not to set foot out of it unless he wanted the shit beat out of him. The delinquent proceeded to demolish the Corvette, starting with the headlights and windows, when he heard the law clerk giggling.

He moved on to the body and engine, but in between crashes he couldn’t help hearing gales of laughter.

Finally, crowbar in hand, he came over to his victim and demanded, “What you laughing about? Your fancy car’s never gonna run again.”

“So?” the clerk gasped helplessly, tears running down his face. “Ever since you started tearing up my Vette, I’ve been stepping in and out of this circle, in and out, in and out

Tommy, you crack me up.

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Salesmen · Blondes · Ass · Cars · Business

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my friggin ass!"

Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my friggin car!"